Thou greatest enemy is thyself

Asiaworks

LP87
Ruyan
Samrit
Pervin
Claire
Mel
Wendy
Jennifer
Huili
Kai Jia
Ryan
Seb
Jinglin
Melissa Ngo
Chewy
Surend
People at Office
 

SFA + Dance
Lao Shi
Yun-jie
Xiao Yun
Wilson
Li Ling
Sophie
Liu Xing
Herman
Angel
Desiree
Qifeng
Xuan Yun
The Guys
Fen
Adam
Charmaine 

NTU
Karyn
Sian Choo
Yuntian
Yinghan
Jiang Shuang
Fang Xuan
Yamuna
Chua Xin Yi
Jie Ying
Wei Lie 
Faliq
Nisha
Desmond
Alvin
Shi Xiong
Jeanette
Jin Hua
Kenneth
Cameron
Dindson
Shu Hui

ART
Mrs Neo and family
Mr Heng
Jingyi
Ivan
Jiahui
Alyssa
Tingxi
Yee May
Shu Juan and rest of batch
Boon Han
Bing Rong
Donghao
Witono 

SOT
Xiao Bai
Wanteng
Hui Yan
Shunqiang
Sihui
Prsicilla
Minmin
Mr Tong and family
Louis 
Yu Ting 

Airport Guides
Zai
Ryan
Zul
Dominic

TJC + Wushu
Limin
Sze Ying
Karen
Kylie
Ivy
Heng Pei
Verena
Huan Yuet
Chen Shao
Wai Yeow
Songyan

O Level Music
Ruth
Sin Yee
Chong Xin Yi
Mr Tan
Amanda
Wingki
Yao Zong
Tiffany
Linlin
Weilin 

DE
Sangit
Peter
Musa
Clement
Evelyn
Eunice
Corinne
Jiexiao
Thierry
Zhou Hing 

Family and Friends
Steve
Christine
Keith
Liwen
Da jie
Er jie
San jie
Zixin

You work hard, seeking success. You are self-sufficient and in spite of all the trials and tribulations that have beset you in the past you carry on regardless.. You are one to be admired because you pursue your objectives single-mindedly and with initiative. You know that you can ‘do it’ and what is more, you will – without necessarily being dependent upon the goodwill of others.

You are in need of rest, some peace and quiet. You feel the need to be close to that someone special, that someone who can give you that special consideration and unquestioning affection that you seek. If you don’t find that ‘special someone’ and resolve your problems very soon, you are liable to become extremely introverted and cut yourself off from society.

You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always ‘right’ – well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking – you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of ‘total surrender’. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence ‘you need to be needed’ and at the same time ‘you need to need’.

You need to be respected as an exceptional individual. This is the only way that you can hope to achieve the status that you wish to achieve. You set yourself very high standards – and come what may – you abide by them.

I recently dug out an old unposted letter to my mum. Wow such angst, when I could have channelled the energy to building a more warm open and loving relationship with her. Better rip it up before she sees it, hope she didn’t rummage in my drawers.

Today I went to the Red Cross Home for the Disabled at Bukit Timah to accompany Kym and Edina, in the end I met Jing Lin and Pay Wen instead, and bumped into Mingfa. It was situated in a quiet lane off Bukit Timah Rd and quite ramshackle; one of the gates was hanging off it’s hinge and the building looked bleached from the elements. In the afternoon heat, a faint musty smell permeated the place. When I walked in and saw the residents, I was stunned. Their limbs were gangly and contorted into weird angles and some of them had their arms or torso bound to prevent them from hurting themselves. Their features were slightly distorted and drool. Then this boy started wailing and we hurried over to help. I felt so helpless, seeing that he was not responding to my squeezing his hand or attempts to make him feel comfortable. Still that snapped me out of my stupor and I went from bed to bed, finally coming to this little girl who at least looked delighted to see me. Made funny faces and she shrieked with laughter. Kids suck their thumbs right, this super flexible girl sucks her big toe. Later, when the desserts were delivered, I propped her body up and fed her. At first there were small dribbles, but with some practice and lots of tissue on stand-by it went smoothly. Then she got too excited by my airplane sounds and entertaining to get her to open her mouth and knocked over the spoonful of green bean and sago onto her shirt. Had to change her t-shirt.

Out of all these, no matter how sad I was that they would not experience life fully, I was at least happy that I could make their day in some little way. They’ll be moving to a newer place in Bukit Merah, will continue visiting…along with my weekly visits with Lion’s Befrienders.

bittersweet 16th. ropes course. steamboat sebastian.

This is the first time I’ve felt a sense of belonging to DE and that I’ve actually created something with the people there. I’ve also realized how awesome it is to enjoy and improve at the same time. Yesterday I felt quite down but today it was a high again! It as a build-up actually. First, Marcus (who has endless legs and gorgeous fluidity!) said that class was for us to go all out and try. The teacher is mostly rooting for us to get it. Cast away the fear…self-consciousness…and just learn as much as we can! FEEL THE DANCE!!!  And I immediately thought of how I didn’t catch Zaini”s choreo the day before. I was set to such a beautiful Chinese oldie and the movements were  just so apt and emotive, I felt sad that I couldn’t dance to its full glory. The tipping point came when Zaini gave us a lesson on make-up and demonstrated a really wayang look on me. I felt more confident somehow, and wanted to channel all the emo elegant lady I could! It also helped a lot that he went through every step and I really paid attention and polished it. Lynette’s feedback also helped a lot, I realised I need to be sharper in my movements and follow the counts, only then can I add dynamics and feeling.

I also felt really happy when I helped some of the juniors in the dance and guided them slowly. It feels great when I see them finally get it and dance so much nicer! It’s amazing how talented some of them are, like Shanez, no dance background but could pick up so fast. Melissa was really sweet too, she gripped my arm and went ‘You are so nice and patient, thank you!’ That made my day =) And also chatting intermittently with Shuli about our Chung Cheng days and Jeanette being so nice to lend me her laptop (hence my ability to blog now!) Musa lending me his cashcard to get 100plus from the vending machine, Sangit delivering food supplies to my room and lending me his small pillow to hug. Amanda and another senior for their interesting lunchtime conversation.VK lending me her make-up and calling me an ‘angel’ cuz my moves were too soft (lol). Mindy sms-ing even when she’s having her O school recital. It’s recognising such random happy moments that make the camp worthwhile.

I’m aching all over now, but say bye to my fats and hello to toned muscular legs and hourglass figure WOOTS! I need a good massage after camp ends. Maybe on the 16th..

Visit friendster to reminisce over New York pics, (oh man must upload them into FB one day!) and clicked the horoscope like I used to do many years ago. It’s still damn accurate.

The Bottom Line

Every statement isn’t fraught with meaning. So stop poring over every word.
(Mental masturbation at its finest, I’m a master at it so…CUT IT OUT!)

In Detail

If you can’t do it yourself, maybe you shouldn’t attempt to do it at all. Support may be forthcoming, but it’s on someone else’s schedule. In the hours that it takes to wait and explain, you could probably handle matters on your own. Organization is the key to your success. Making sure everything is in its place before you start will save endless time in the long run. Proving this to yourself now is money in the bank for next time.

(I can’t pretend that I can just be a friend, so stop bothering miscellaneous people for advice. Things are just fine and I can take care of myself now thankyouverymuch. And yeah how I handle the exams NOW…will go a loooong way. *Series of small decisions starts now*)

Do I really want Lester in my life? On one hand, I see that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore and has given up on me at that point, and that many people out there still see my worth and respond to the love that radiated naturally from me. On the other, I suddenly felt that pang of regret, why wait till now, when I’m so comfortable around with his friends (teasing Victor and Steve) and so unbound by fear of rejection and reaching out to the network of friends, that I can’t be with him? Everything happens for a reason and i’m very thankful that this break-up was the catalyst for taking stock of my life and standing up again. I have more or less accepted the fact that he’s moved on and there are new guys in my life (just FRIENDS ok! I can only give them that =p), but there’s still this attachment and I’m telling myself I don’t want him in my life anymore, though from time to time I’ll wonder what’s going on in his life and how’s he doing…I wish he’d be open to me, does he feel a sense of responsibility to give me a hand for forensics, does he have the hots for Lesley, is he on track for his academic goals? I’m genuinely interested and believe I would be truly happy for him. The only fact that he would be closed up to me is what hurts the most, and I have been avoiding it by not calling and getting updates. So………………..call now? YES 😀

Burnt out designing the LP87 shirt. After our first weekend, I immediately buckled down to brainstorm. To no avail. It took me till 5am and after many long aimless conversations with Bill and a few other night owls to suddenly get the Eureka moment! Considered the star-wings-halo combo but it just looked too kiddy, then I went with Fadz’ suggestion of stripes on the sleeove like on Audrey’s shirt. Then a brainwave took over. I extended the design into the knots of the wings and placed the star beside it. It looked damn tribal and tough and represented the Eaglets! That halo was a feminine nurturing touch, us being the Angelwings who were soaring watchfully above. The star of course represented the All-stars who shone so brightly and are ubiquitous in LP87 =)

It was nice talking to Bill. I aspire to his lifestyle, or rather I’ve already reached it. He’s achieved so much in his career since his LP donkey years ago. He’s living comfortably in his bachelor pad in Bangkok and shuttles back and forth regularly to Singapore. He’s retiring by 45 I think from the returns of his work in private equity. It’s cool bringing together prospective investors and start-ups together and watching things burgeon. Not all do, but the rewards are handsome. Haha he’s still as charming as ever, he likes Jessica Alba – i do too! Most importantly, he’s just cruising along and looking out for Ms Right, and that’s what I intend to do, to be utterly comfortable in my own skin and lead a fulfilling and meaningful lifestyle.

Anyway…this project again showed me my key flaws in teamwork. I again see the urgent need to be open for support when I need it, not be so perfectionist and as a result keeping people waiting or excluding people from the process. The fruits of our labour are more enjoyable when shared! Personal vision should not compromise the team’s alignment and at the very least I could LET THEM KNOW! Inform them of where’s my progress and when I need to rest.

Anyway had a great time with Kym at Orchard that day, had lunch at Paragon Soup Spoon and then went to Ion to find her dive friend James, who’s also a store manager of this upmarket brand called Pois and a t-shirt printer. Haha he helped me polish the lines using his software and here’s the result!

my future tattooyellow drifit polo

OK time to start mugging. Finally. Oh by the way that ADM essay I did after the wake of the break-up…i got 78.5/100 for it! Not bad considering it took only 3 solid days of researching and writing, the 1 day of reeling from the aftermath didn’t affect my grades at all! And now, I have a friend who admires my writing and who can mug adm240 with me as well. If only Henry wasn’t so busy with his animation stuff. ARGHHHH panic!!!