Thou greatest enemy is thyself


Yesterday Once More…
October 27, 2009, 3:52 pm
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What a streeeetch! After Malay class, I went to meet Lester for lunch. Cheeky monkey, asked me if it was about Asiaworks and agreed to go eat lunch at Can A. Lyanna passed me my laptop and was so surprised. We’re gonna mug together for Malay to prepare for CA next wednesday. ARGH.

I was very nervous at first but when I turned and saw him sitting there, I was genuinely happy. He looked more tanned and healthy, only a hint of dark eye rings. Settled down and he bought mac’s for us, insisted on treating and got two (free) cups of water for me. He commented that I looked tired and thin, and my eyebags (EYEBAGS?!) were showing. No surprise seeing my lack of sleep and energy I poured out during Advanced, plus I was having my period those 5 days. I’m exhausted but happy, and I know the happiness will well up naturally in me again when I connect with friends and give in any way I can. We could talk about mundane things again, he was very forthcoming and updated me with his life. Laughed a bit about the underwear and blogshop packages at his house. He gave me vincent’s new number and address. Stuff like that.

I only felt the happiness at the end of the day, because I created his new possibility, and it’s up to me to make it happen and continue – to have an open and trusting friendship with Lester again. He will meet new people, and so will I. I think the break-up really allowed me to open my eyes to the vast networks around me and to plug back in. I mean seriously! Just in CS today I talked to more than 10 people who went ‘EH never see you for such a long time!’ or just peple I’ve never talked to but struck up a conversation with. (Note to self: Wei Lie owes me BIG TIME. I hate him. Helped him find fen, a dance studio at Nanyang House and agreed to act in his short film and he just couldn’t spare 2 hours on Thursday evening to attend my guest event. SIAN. Oh wait, he offered to fetch me to the station. Maybe he isn’t that evil and narcissistic after all.)

The high point of my day was to watch Paloma Herrera and other principal dancers from top dance companies. My father treated me to a $123 seat in front, in the second half, 5 people in the row right in front of me disappeared and I had an even greater view! Suffice to say, I was blown away by their performance. Herrera herself appeared first in pristine white, and her movements were clean, sleek and precise, setting the standard for the night. Then a couple danced an excerpt from Giselle. The girl had solid technique and gravitas, but it was too heavy for my taste, the guy is not worth mentioning about. Next a Japanese couple came out, it’s so easy to tell, the uber fair girl and guy’s long wavy Gatsby hair. They had more flair but no musicality, the girl when half a beat earlier because of the fast pace and the guy seemed sloppy. The third couple performed my favourite item. Slow, langourous and sensuous, there were clad in soft drapey nude garments and showed the intimacy and natural moulding of the body. The lifts were SO creative and the transitions were seamless. And it was all  made possible by the girl’s strength, she was definitely on par with the guy and even provided momentum for him. Short dark and muscly, she really had that mo qi with her partner.

Next were the Swiss mountain peasants, so innocent and utterly lovable! The girl’s daintiness and coy ways were so endearing! And of course, hamsum boy ^^ so powerful and not even in his prime. His leg muscles were very developed but not his abs, could see him wobble everytime he landed. I must train my core muscles too. Just look at Herrera, she used it to draw herself up enpointe and hold it there for 5 seconds!

Next was the black tango. the guy was very theatrical, paloma was a little plainer. There was not enough spice, she probably don’t have depth of experience and emotion. But spinning around in heels is no mean feat!

In the 2nd half, the Japanese minx had this smug ‘Look how clever I am’ look. She was just showing off her skill and not giving her all and seducing the men to death. The guy’s lankiness and freedom of movement matched the girls neurotic jerky movements. (to be continued)

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LOOKING FORWARD TO A NEW BEAUTIFUL LIFE =D
October 19, 2009, 10:10 pm
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To tell you the truth, I’ve been emo-ing on and off the whole day, taking a lot of toilet breaks. But i managed to write a lot of my essay from the highlighted reviews and journals, Youtube interviews and the streaming link yuntian sent me. Now to write the last part, conlict and faith in context =) clean up and off to bed i go!

Staying up till 3am was so not cool, it was emotionally and mentally draining. I even woke up at 6 with a nightmare so bad my body was protesting. I MUST learn to STOP bleeding love when he takes pleasure in rejecting and rub salt into my wound instead. I’m so going to call yinren to complain and hear him give his worldly wisdom that ‘guys are bastards’. hahaha…it’s very refreshing. And hearing jem’s voice, so zen in vietnam, is really a gem. He’s really been through a lot and gave me valuable advice that hits the spot everytime (yes, yes…YES! that’s exactly how i feel!) i really need to suck in the emoness and get on with life, cuz it will pass, if I keep indulging it, it’ll just mutate into a giant marimo and suffocate me.

Honestly, I have been making great progress, emanating positive vibes and attracting guys on fb, sms and in person. I am really flattered and appreciate their friendship but I do NOT flaunt these attentions unlike some inconsiderate heartless person who wants to keep his options open. Sigh…your loss. I’m just going to focus on loving myself, loving you is just not worth it. The most I can muster is hope you grow up soon. Cuz i certainly got a lot of shit and it’s my fertilizer to grow strong and emotionally healthy! (quote courtesy of cass)

Time to be like Summer =) and I’ll be looking for Mr. Autumn. I can put this behind me and look forward. When my mum (who was utterly duped by how ‘nice’ Lester was) says that, I will follow her order! She doesn’t want me to get hurt again ='( i’ve been making her worried. cannot.

P.S. me loves liu xing and cass, both are so no-nonsense and be-gone!! *a guy who doesnt make you feel like you’re worth it, probably isnt worth that much to you.*

4 noble truths, be compassionate.



sunny sunday
October 18, 2009, 4:48 pm
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Anyone reading this blog, please go try the Seremban beef noodles at Marine Parade hawker centre, it’s the second shop from the corner nearest to McDonald’s! The lady who takes the orders is damn cartoon!!! First she starts dancing with her handphone stuck in her hair (yes..you gotta see it to believe it), then she snatches the 50 dollar note from Louis’ hand while he was taking utensils, then she stalks and laughs hysterically at a man with a pineapple for a head. Haha sure cheered me up and chased away the emoness through sheer ridiculousness!

Now I’m typing the essay plan for Waltz with Bashir (at last!) in Liu Xing’s room, where there is a constant cool breeze and gentle sunlight filtering in through her lace curtains =) and later…500 Days of Summer with Supei!!! Haha and at last, I didn’t succumb to my weakness and closed the window after typing the webbie halfway. GOOD =)



work
October 17, 2009, 7:49 pm
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I tend to emo (and worsen it by looking at Lester’s profile and his photos with her) when I have work to do. Ain’t that weird? No…it can’t be just a coincidence. True, the break-up has been traumatic, but that doesn’t discount the fact that I have the power and choice to pull myself together and GET THINGS DONE.

Such a huge lapse, I tend to be paralysed when the deadline looms. Because of advance course next wednesday to sunday, I will need to complete the NIE essay with annotated pictures and diagrams and the 3000-word analysis of Waltz with Bashir by the 20th, which means I will only have tonight, Sunday morning and afternoon and evening, and Monday to do them!

Then again, I get this small triumphs in finishing my Cinema Studies Reading Log in about 20 minutes at the MRT station on my trusty Macbook before I trooped home, weary but with a sense of achievement. No…I musn’t waste my efforts!

If I can finish reading and highlighting all the resources I have and write down the main points I will be content with that. And reward myself with a nice dinner with my mum and sis =)

GANBATTE! And after reading active blogs like Ivan’s Ivy’s and Xinyi’s I realise that their regular practice have translated into an effortless coherence and eloquence. I don’t care. This is my self-medication and place to be honest with myself. I do not talk to myself and encourage myself with superb English. Right now, I will be selfish and let my blogposts revolve around my inner thoughts and emotions. But later I’m sure I will be more interested in my surroundings and wax lyrical about them lol =p



slowly, but surely
October 17, 2009, 1:23 pm
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i just wanted you to be honest to me, so that I knew if you truly loved me enough to oblige to my demands, rather than do it grudgingly. Then stand up to me if you love me, because that’s what happens when you truly want to last long. Let me know how you feel so that I may be aware and do something about it rather than keep things to yourself and seek happier times with her/them (and that’s being the most objective I can) and spring this nasty surprise on me.

I will open my eyes wider now. Emo…but I know i will not repeat the same mistake and be happier in my next relationship (with him or someone else? I will never know until either one appears.)

Hong Kong serials really teach a lot. I know now that he loves himself more than I do and therefore withdrew from our troubled relationship for his own happiness and peace of mind to prepare for exams. I should do the same: to love myself and make sure my actions benefit my future. I want to love him, but am I that magnanimous to forgive him and forgive myself and give ourselves another chance? For him to love me again wholeheartedly is too much to hope for. It’s just such a pain to wait in suspense , maybe I should just not wait and have fun with the friends who have resurfaced. If he comes back it’ll be the nicest surprise of my life. =)

Again…I need to remind myself not to be like That Girl. Haha just had a lazy Saturday lunch! 3.30pm is kind of late, but the family time we have together is priceless =)

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*dappled lights, someone waiting just out of sight*
(so mi so, ti do so mi ti….ti la ti) 

Photo Credit: Kwan Yann Howe

Thank you, this shot reminded me of the good times when I was happy helping Lester and being there for him when he puked. x)



pop-ups
October 17, 2009, 2:16 am
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Beef noodles and bakerzin..what next 😀



art…where art thou
October 16, 2009, 11:27 pm
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After meeting Yuntian at Esplanade library I went to the TJ art juniors’ exhibition. This batch has ten students, two of which did fashion installations in the Black Cube, the rest were in Scope, as usual. 

We. Were. Blown. Away.

Conceptually all of them were strong, and their prep boards were solid! However a few fell short in their final work. Not a problem though as long as it’s backed up by SOVA paper.

I was so inspired (and ashamed at the same time). True us art students tend to be procrastinators, but I think my resistance to following teachers’ instructions was my downfall. To redeem myself, I want to transform my bedroom wall! 

Right now it’s just a plain white wall,
longer than it is tall.
A passageway to my ‘enclave’,
all the way from the door.

(hahaha just realised that it rhymed, perhaps poems could be a theme)

It’ll take a long time to incubate. Though i had this initial pretty vision of it painted magenta with floral motifs, it’s too graphic and meaningless. I would like to inject my personality onto it and project my ideal self. In the meantime I would need motifs that would uplift me, not forgetting my ’emo’ side too because that is a source of my power.

And and…rather than an individual therapeutic activity, I’d like to involve the people who were and still are important to me. I will visit Mrs Neo and Mr Heng whom I never really connected with as much as I wanted, to consult them and properly accept their critique and suggestions. To my art seniors who are all wonderful and passionate people, they’ve helped me before but this time, not only do I want to engage their ‘exceptional artistic ability’ I also want to get to know them better. For too long I’ve felt a distance with them..that hierarchy..which doesn’t make sense. And the only one I was close to, Jingyi, is now happily slogging in Taiwan and I miss her so..

Cannot…must really keep my agreement and grow. No matter how painful it is, I have more to loss if I drift further away from art.



finish my essay!!
October 16, 2009, 4:47 pm
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Met Chaz after working out at True Fitness, he was heading there just as I was leaving. It was nice catching up with him =) since I broke up with Lester and don’t know when we’ll meet again, Chaz invited me to go wakeboarding this Sunday. bBut I need to finish my essays! Sian..

Yinren (haven’t talked to him for so long) said he saw lester at bakerzin with a girl and assumed it was me. Problem is, I’ve only been to bakerzin with Fang Xuan they all before. Wonder who he went with and if he’s moved on that quickly. I shouldn’t take his word too easily, after all he didn’t give me any kind of confirmation, only ‘a chance for us to work out if our paths cross again’. Sigh…



dream or reality?
October 16, 2009, 9:40 am
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Firstly, let me say, if you want to test how powerful the chilli is, wait till the next morning when you shit. OH MY GOSH, so painful!

I had such a surreal dream last night. I dreamt that Lester and I were walking up a slope towards a bus stop and I was asking if he would ever come back. He said a couple of things but one of it was ‘The door is closed already, let’s leave it that way.’ and that was when I realised he could be prepared to move on and maybe even meet other girls. I felt sad and at a loss when he boarded the bus, but calm nonetheless. I take that as a good sign that I’ll handle things well, come what may. And there’s this niggling thought in my mind, Lester really reminded me of Kim P, and that his heart is no longer in the relationship and he’s just prepared to throw away all the feelings and actions I’ve invested into the relationship. Good riddance! If you don’t cherish a great girl like me and let me go then NVM, I shall eventually find the guy who loves me 100% and put in the same if not more effort than me!

Just saw a quote by Emerson, one of the purposes of friendship is to prepare you for solitude. Indeed, I must learn to like myself and like to spend time on my own, and know that there are always friends out there who love me for who I am ^.^

*would you throw away everything we had? don’t you want to create something more beautiful?*



ayam penyet
October 15, 2009, 11:58 pm
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So random! and happy 😀 p and i finally met for dinner! and it’s at that new restaurant RIA at old jp. For $6 their signature dish was very filling, topped generously with fried bits, awesome chilli at the side, cabbage and cucumber to cool my burning mouth and a big bowl of rice. AHHHH… but it was our conversation that was the most satisfying.

P is such a dear and advised me to weigh things out, I shouldn’t let this cause me so much pain, it’s just not worth it especially if he doesn’t give a damn. Plus, always believe that when something is taken away, it’s for something better. And she is always optimistic about the person who would finally love her for who she is and be totally committed. But then again, she said if I still have feelings I should just go for it. Problem is, if it’s a one-sided thing that would be rather pointless. So if he comes back for me then we’ll continue for there, if he bochap…well then I will be too busy having a good time! Lol…

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*be the best for myself, better things will come for sure*