Thou greatest enemy is thyself

I got it back. C+. Couldn’t stop crying, Seriously. I cant believe that’s all I got after all the hours of effort I put in and all the encouragement and help from people who care about me. FX only tackled the final copy the night before.

After Hedwig brought us to her office and went through the article with me, it finally struck me where my fatal mistakes were. Other than the technical errors (no attribution, no counter-example, no proper anecdote, no nothing), it’s my inability to follow instructions, somehow I just felt my style was alright. Also I assumed that the reader KNOWS about my subject and left one or two logical gaps. Shouldn’t have let Tomithy and Mr Tong proofread for me as they are already experts in the field; their green light does not guarantee the teacher’s approval.

This has seriously got me questioning about my goal to be a journalist. It’s seriously not just the grades, I’m just so utterly discouraged and I’m wondering about my capability and aptitude for writing. In journ, one has to work within the rules, creativity is constrained to making a certain part more exciting. Also realised that it was way out of my comfort zone, meeting new interviewees and having to be knowledgeable about the subject. Is it just my problem? Apparently not..but these are the major hurdles that I will have to overcome if I decide to go on this track. Would I get tired of working in a newsroom? Would I be so overwhelmed during a press conference? Would the passion for being a wordsmith override these concerns? Could I see myself slogging through the daily deadlines to come out with a perfect piece of work that proudly bears my name?

I don’t know. But what I do know is that I must pull up my C grade in the final exam, the weightage is ony 30% but I what can I do? Just got back foreign policy essay too. C+ as well, today is my suckiest day ever. Someone please convince me that I don’t suck.

Spun me into a daze, a craze and back.
I’m amazed..
I did it. 

The 221 trend story was an absolute bitch. Finalized my topic on social entrepreneurship only in the last one week and started researching for past articles. Ling was very helpful to provide me with the almost complete list of social enterprises SEs in Singapore and Mr Tong suggested I interview Prof. Teo from NUS. 

Felt like a moron when Prof Teo very nicely suggested I read certain reports, it meant I didn’t do my homework thoroughly. Felt like an idiot when I reached a bottleneck and bawled to Mr Tong. Felt immensely humbled and helpless when his ex-student Tomithy set my direction and acted as a human encyclopedia. Extremely surprised his good friend was Ivan, Lester’s younger bro. All this while I was mulling over it in Darling’s room and there’s this SE enthusiast right next door. OK now for the ultimate. The article only required 500-550 words when I’ve already hit one thousand! *Stunned at my Unparalleled Blurness* I really must get rid of this, will cost me one day.

Ultimate sian-ness. I wish I haven’t told him my blog so I could rant all I want. Sparked off by some little thing, which is him saying smth along the lines of “Nvm lah…your presentation is fine” which combined with the context and his expression gave me the impression that it’s not as good as his. It’s stupid I know to be upset just because I’m not good enough, but the ppt is tml and there are other deadlines like the 221 article due next tuesday, and I haven’t interviewed a single person for my article. 

Yeah he’s right, at the end of the day, no one cares about saving your ass except you. Despite having the best intentions, he still inevitably wastes my time and makes me feel used. It’s a chicken and egg thing, but now that it’s cracked, there’s no way to find out for sure.

argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh argh arg argh argh argh argh argh…and then there’s dance.If I stayed with the troupe it’s bi si wu yi. I can’t take pressure AND im a perfectionist. Can you imagine? Even if I stayed on and danced and performed, I wouldn’t be truly happy with the niggling doubt that I should be studying or rushing assignments. If you can multitask and excel, good for you. My character is different, I will pursue success my way. Except it’s waaaaaaay out of reach now and I feel hopeless.

I hate my rapid deterioration into mediocrity though I imagine some people won’t give a damn anyway. I hate my depression and lousy mood and inability to socialise and sustain friendships. I hate my alternate self-pity and lashing-outs at my mum. 

I feel I’m blowing things up, but at this time, it’s difficult to look at the bigger picture. I just want to curl up and sleep and never wake up into this nightmare.

I implore you to watch Departures (of the cinematic variety, not standing in the airport staring at planes take off). It’s a Japanese arthouse film that everyone will identify with somehow, as it deals with death. It follows a young cellist called Kobayashi who returned to his hometown after the orchestra he was in folded. There he landed a job performing last rites for the deceased. His sensitivity in music stood him in good stead; I couldn’t help but notice how gentle he was, and the way he kept glancing at the face of the corpse while carrying out the cleaning and dressing, as if concerned about his or her comfort.

Although Death seems depressing, this film actually brings about a theme of…Hope. The bereaved family members at last came to terms about the parting with a loved one and death is like a gate from which a new journey begins. Sure he had to face initial rejection from his wife and suffer the social stigma of ‘casketing’, but in the end, people realise that dying is universal: everyone dies, Buddhists, Muslims, Christians and so on. Okayy I cried at LEAST 7 times, and even spotted men brush their tears away hastily. Really…it makes you realise what’s important in life and how we must not take it for granted.

Other than this extraordinarily good movie Lester and I watched at GV Great World City, we also went to eat late ni- no..early morning prata at Simpang. Before that, I saw some amazing sights, like the 40-strong taxi queue outside Zouk and the half-constructed yet intimidating Duxton Plains.

Danced at Republic Poly for the first time today. Also the first time I went to Darling’s place without him there. Mugged while waiting. I feel so safe and warm in his room, on his bed, within his embrace; knowing that’s all it takes to be satisfied. He’s always the calm within a storm (usually cooked up by MY mum).

Sigh…these really are the special days. Oh and the music keeps getting stuck in my head, the melancholic mellow cello with simple piano or strings accompaniment. Beautiful.

As I stomped off with a stony expression, Darling was left helpless. 束手无策 aptly described it. Although you wanted to help, it just drove me deeper into despair; general floating ideas that seem so trivial and don’t give the ‘Aha!’ for my trend report. I desperately need to pull up my grades from a C- reaction story. 

Got absorbed into my own world there. Sometimes it’s easy to lose perspective among the smiley course mates who modestly reveal a 4+ GPA and feel small amidst their carefree jousting. In that respect I identify with David Widjaja, who knifed his prof, slit his wrists and fell to his death, apparently because he felt hopeless in his FYP and his ASEAN scholarship was revoked to add insult to injury. Or rather suicidal tendencies. 

Results are not everything. When all seems lost, there are still people who care about you and love you enough not to judge you.

Thinking back, I should have appreciated your help anyway and declined it gently so as not to bruise your ego and make you feel…useless for disappointing me. I know you would clasp my hand hesitantly, or catch up with me after I have walked a distance or even pop up unexpectedly when frustration dissolves to regret and I badly need your reassuring presence again.