Thou greatest enemy is thyself


Last Day as Airport Guide
April 28, 2008, 11:15 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I decided to throw caution to the wind and skive to my heart’s content, despite the omnipresent threat of CAAS lackeys and to a lesser extent, Manfield supervisors. Just an hour into my 1st shift at B pier, Marcus was already skulking around wearing a brooding expression and wet gelled-up luohan hair. I was already emerging from a satisfying shit at the toilet, so he directed his displeasure at the MIA Kif, a couldn’t-care-less veteran slacker. Yvonne my T3 Airside IC was extra vindictive as well. When I asked for a ‘breakfast’ break, she happily shared the recent news of a 3rd shift girl who was terminated after receiving her 3rd warning letter, which means, no pay. Well what a good thing I waited for an hour more, Michael who looks deceptively harmless but is the most vicious CAAS guy ever, drifted past almost without detection! At 9plus Sze Ming and I escaped to T1, we took the long route skytrain A to F, walk to E, take skytrain to D, ONLY to find that Yong Sheng Abi and Julizan received a call from the office to return to their post, THEN Hazzely had to come, he’s so nice, actually escorted SM and I to C then B, we talked about the crazy bday bash they threw for Fariza and SM, and uni admission. *screams*  The drama awaiting was unbelievable, Chin Wei the sarcastic evil CAAS lackey had observed out empty booth for 25 minutes and sent an ultimatum to Manfield, thankfully Hazzely received the call and neutralized the aftermath.

 I felt that somehow I had alienated from the group, Kat Connie and Julizan definitely, SM and Abi still okay. Zul and Zai okay as well. New ppl like the poly four and the JC four never got to know them better, I don’t know………it’s a recurring thing whenever I meet new groups of people, sigh~ Hmm…this prepares me for work I guess, people will inevitably talk behind each others’ back, it’s just AMAZING how tongues will wag in the opposite direction so easily. Well I’m guilty of doing that too, but I shall whistle to a different tune. What goes around comes around, I shall avoid bitching.

Continued to 2nd shift, which passed by in a haze of tiredness and dry blurry eyes, then we met up at T3 Coffee Club for meeting. I found that, XX was gaining the upperhand, probably because she needed to gain control of our hearts and minds and had to slip in a few cripplers to me during our discussion, me being too headstrong and critical. Well, I can deflect it still, but barely, I was hallucinating by then already.

You might be wondering why I’m still blogging?  Showers recharge me, must be the negative ions generated by the falling water. LOL…hmm going into random trivia is a sure sign of my need to shut off my brain. Good night, and good luck Miss Bipolar. 

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April 27, 2008, 11:00 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

The Bottom Line

Give your problems another look, and you’ll see a silver lining in all the clouds.

In Detail

The conflicts or challenges that are going on in your life right now may be making it tough for you to stay smiling all day long, but are they really all that bad? Give them another look, and you just might see a silver lining in all those clouds. Be open-minded about the fact that things happen for a reason — and you will know what the reason is soon enough. Good friends offer words of encouragement that can help put things in perspective and keep you chugging along.
Reflection

Conflicts: With my Mum, with Mr Tickles

Challenges: Resuming dance, juggling SBM and our YFC Project First Chance.

Jazz with Veron lasted 2 hours, now both my knees have baluku and twinge alarmingly even while walking, but nvm, i need to stop the jiggling in my thighs, and SOON! We’re having Gold Medal exams after a mere 10 sessions and guess what, we need to wear leotards and tights! ARRRGGGGGHHHHH….NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Total cost: $200 (class) + $130 (exam) + $70 (outfit) = $400!!! I need to make sure that my body’s in tip-top condition and my joints well-oiled to maximize the benefits of each lesson, plus visualise the exercises every night. Lao shi said that the core is important, so I’m gonna do plank, sit-ups, and push-ups to strengthen my scrawny arms. Peer pressure will do the trick, Soph Ling Xing and Yan Ran are taking the same level too. We made quick progress, half the basic curriculum done, with only 4 exercises to go and 2 dances to choreograph *GULP….pulls at collar * 

I realized that dance rly does wonders in elevating my mood, and I was actually civil to my mum and helped her with all the grocery shopping and errands. Hmm…I SHOULD just shut up and let my actions do the talking.

As for Mr Tickles, bad kamma ripening i guess, and the conditions are just not right. Most importantly I need to counter my bad PMS vibes with equanimity. Easier said than done. The most direct course of action will be to forget everything, the happy memories even, for it gives me false hope and often leads to rash outbursts.



WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY
April 26, 2008, 2:03 am
Filed under: movie, reflection, review

Friday is friggin awesommmmme! Went to the sell-out concert of The Great Spy Experiment (GSE) at the Esplanade Recital Studio. I remember the music and swaying to it, ended up jumping like mad in my strappy 3-inch heels and know my knees are numb…from pain. but ANYWAY, that wasn’t the point, the band members are just such great performers! Saiful is the lead singer, sleek stylo milo, Song the second guitarist is more flamboyant, what with the hair (OMG u gotta see his hair!!!), Bassist Khairil is the most enthu one and prone to stunts, obviously into bodybuilding as he stripped off his shirt halfway to reveal his bulging biceps. Show off. He’s already dating Magdalene lah, the keyboardist and synthesiser operator. Last but definitely NOT least is the drummer….(insert name)……he’s damn funny, cracking lame jokes and grinning very goofily and looking very hangdog when he goes into the trance-like state.

Fast fwd fast fwd…the autograph session, i got them to sign on the GSE tee i got, WHILE WEARING IT. Hehehehe…I asked Song if he’s Chinese or Malay, cuz he’s the fairest but looks Malay and he’s CHINESE, surname TAN, and i went ‘OH I’M A TAN ALSO’, and K quipped ‘Eh same family!’ and Song went ‘Aww~ shucks’. Arhz..he doesn’t matter. My loves Zai Zul and his poly friend Jerraline (not sure of spelling) accompanied me. J jas a cool tatto on her…left shoulder..yep AND she studies fashion design at TP, i’m so jealous, but nvm, I GOT INTO NTU MASS COMM!

Yeap u heard it…WEE KIM WEE SCHOOL OF COMMUNICATION STUDIES! Ok lah that’s the biggest news of all for Friday. =) My father was so happy. My mum too, since my father was happy. San Jie, Ling and Soph knew the news as I was taking the bus home from Northland Pri.

Thursday first meeting with Ling her NTU friend XiXun and RongXin fellow TJCian. We’re joining Citibank-YMCA Youth for Causes!! What I liked was that the non-profit org (NPO) the 3 of them chose was Buddhist. Metta School, rings a bell? Well no it didn’t at first, then as we were discussing happily into the 3rd hour I buried my face in my hands and gave a strangled cry cuz i realized the first time I heard about it was….and we had to come up with a PROPOSAL to help them…(inside thing, only Ling knew how i felt, lol…argh) I LOVE the direction we’re taking, helping to raise awareness of social enterprises (SE) in Singapore as well as increase support for the intellectually disabled youths aat Happy Arts Deli. It’s gonna take the form of a carnival and we’re targetting at JC students, whom I believe are NOT apathetic. (Even if they are, we’ve got a secret weapon, GP content. Mwahaha.)

Wednesday went to watch Good Night and Good Luck about the McCarthy Era and the power of the media, mindblowing stuff and an uber-cool cinematic classic. B&W, George Clooney, jazz, powerful but concise speeches that struck the hearts of American people. Go figure. Much much later into the night I confided in the BFG again, suddenly occurred to me that things for my ears and my eyes only shouldn’t be displayed at liberty on my blog, never ever would i think that someone would search for it and inform someone I care about and respect and depend on a lot, what a good thing it didn’t affect BFG like previous cases have. Like ‘Lil ol me? Oh man I didn’t expect anyone except my close friends to wanna read my blog u know?’ And anyway they receive regular verbal updates from me, no need to read blog.

I’m now drifting again. I tend to avoid conversations with ppl who are impt to me, past examples include Hwee and De Li Ge. And now the most crucial one but what others think should be the least important? I should just forget>? Attachment brings suffering? Expecially if he doesn’t care enough for me to keep things amicable? If I really really love a person, wish him well and happy. I have too much baggage, and I absolutely don’t want a relationship to be a means to an end, to fill the void in my heart, but rather to share an overbrimming cup of love. I dunno what crap I’m spouting when it just hurts to be misunderstood and I’ve never been one to enhance and highlight my assets but I react so immediately that it just sends the wrong msg. I’m so sad right now that i don’t know what to do. Were you thinking the same thing as me as we were both watching that anal flick? I flinched at your touch only becuase it jolted my senses so much and brought back those memories in a flood. Perhaps it IS better to let go. I fyou’re happy i’m happy, but could u please, just tell me, there’s no way anymore and maybe you could make someone else happier instead of hitting the pause and play on my suffering. The saddest saddest thing is, it’s either ALL but NOTHING. Not even friendship? I wish you could read this but it’s all in a jumble and you’ve got more pressing things to worry about, like school. The end, I don’t stand a chance against the bitches, except for friends who know how sensitive and raw i am and buffer me against the shit that’s going on. *HUGS*

 

http://www.parentswish.com/site02/big.html

 

Bawled my eyes out. all our lives we’re yearning for that unconditional love.

I wish one day I will be able to give it.



April 19, 2008, 12:54 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

The Bottom Line

Fit some culture into your day — your emotions are in a highly susceptible phase.

In Detail

Try to fit some culture into your day — it’s a great time to attend a concert, visit a museum, or pick up a classic novel. Your emotions are in a highly susceptible phase, and you’ll be greatly rewarded by seeing, hearing, reading, or otherwise experiencing artistic ideas. There is also a wonderful sense of community when you are in an audience, reading a book so many others have read, or looking at the same art that people have seen for generations.

 

ARGHHH! Gonna watch DES (Dance Ensemble Singapore) perform at VIctoria Theatre on Saturday night! Helping out from afternoon onwards. It’s all worth it, looking at the professionals at work, and working as a team to ensure production runs smoothly. Rly love their style of song dance and acting. The theme is about the spirit of the arts and what it takes to sustain it, set to the story of a fictional dance troupe facing an impending doom unless they perform ten shows and get sold out results for one.

Shi ji has always been my idol, she has an imperfect body (slender torso but muscular thighs) yet she will stretch herself to overcome these minor flaws and pour in the feelings into her body language. An example would be her high density (read: very heavy), she knows how to control her center of gravity to make the guy’s job easier in a duet. Dan yi, another one of my favourite, has the perfect boyish figure, light lean proportionate AND damn flexible, but she’s still not as intuitive as Shi ji. Ok maybe i’m biased cuz i find many parallels between me and her lol..

As usual, I will get inspired and as I slowly gain my former range of motion I shall be strict on myself in dance and lay off wushu for a little while. SIgh..



The beginning of a beautiful friendship?
April 7, 2008, 11:40 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

The Bottom Line

To make a fresh start with someone, you must sort through deep feelings. Be honest.

In Detail

Making a fresh start with someone is proving to be much more challenging than you had initially thought it would be. Moving past grudges and hurt feelings is taking longer than you hoped, but the reward for your efforts will be larger than you expected. Resign yourself to the fact that it is going to take you time to dig through those deep feelings in order to move beyond them. This person deserves a second chance, and you need to do whatever you need to do in order to give it to them.

Reflection

I still want to be friends with mr tickles. Our relationship was an unfortunate series of events, and what’s worse, he had back-up and I didn’t, haha. Well, it’s such a pity, I miss the conversations with him, the infuriating answers he gave, the laughter we shared, and his cool calm demeanour when i pour out my problems. I can only conclude, he’s better as a friend, so I wouldn’t expect much or invest heavily in emotions. As for bf, not unless he really wants me enough and put in more time and effort to show some love. I’m adamant that I would never love a person unreasonably and be be so stupid to pursue a person blindly.

Please…u stupid soft-hearted girl who sees only the good in ppl, don’t harbour any false illusions, what’s past past.



eeeks
April 7, 2008, 1:41 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

haha..i’ve just read many of the past entries abt mrt tickles. i can’t believe it, couldn’t stop laughing. For all i know he didn’t give a damn about me by that time, but i still continued my wishful thinking. I see it now. So stupid. The wake-up call and subsequent self-lecturing did me good though.



Reunion
April 7, 2008, 1:16 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Sze Ying organized an ECP outing for the TJC Wushu ppl, eventually only she, li min, songyan, guan wen and I went. We were so convinced that alwin, wenqin and chen shao were coming but they gave lame last-minute excuses; our dear captain WAIYEOW’S reply took the cake: “I’m going for qing ming to sweep grave…” We suspect he’d rather hang out with Kelly. WHAT TH- zhong se qing you !! 

Rented bikes for $6 and cycled for 2 hours to SAF yacht club and back. Started out slow, chatting at leisure and not paying much attention, which resulted in my crash into sze ying when she braked without warning. Thanks to my quick reflexes, I hopped off mid-fall to safety but her bike pedal gouged my foot. SO SUAY =.= still i enjoyed the rest of the ride, especially the return journey when i raced back with syan, and stopped to watch the whiny F1 miniatures zoom around a makeshift track. My knees hurt (IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO), but i loved the aching muscles and adrenaline rush…reminded me of the duathlon which I got first for in the Fun category ^.^Y

Then we went to Parkway Parade for lunch as the queue at Ashton was horrendous. Spent $7.10 at MOS burger for the set, the unagi rice burger looked disappointing but tasted divine; only two small pieces of eel, but oh-so-warm and buttery and flavourful. Japanese food might be pricier and come in small servings, but the quality is worth it, and the portion just right. And Guan Wen was regaling us with tales of NS, and Syan was telling us about airport ghost stories and Sze Ying HAD to chip in as well….it’s rly rly rly enjoyable crapping with the Wushu ppl again =)) Then we went to play pool at Roxy Square $2 for 2hours. Won when partnered with Syan and Sze Ying but not with Limin. Awwww~ but after that I walked home with her to borrow a CD but she forgot her house keys so went to Marine Parade Library to read romance novels. She’s a connoisseur of this genre and recommended a few favourites. Somehow the earth-shattering sex just flits by and it’s the falling-in-love part that really moved me to tears, like how both parties are vulnerable but they keep their strong feelings secret because it exposes them to hurt. Well in their case they lived happily ever after and i gleaned a few tips. First it helps to be the whole package: looks, intelligence and character. Secondly, don’t give more than you’re willing to or it breeds resentment and misunderstandings. Thirdly always let the guy make the first move unless you’re sure that he will reciprocate.

Highlight of the day was DINNER at BLACK CANYON COFFEE!! With limin cuz she was still stuck outside. I’m gonna do a full food review soon x) and post the pics for today!



argh
April 5, 2008, 2:10 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

KNEES: inner ligaments strained for both knees, left tendon at the back of the knee pulled, right kneecap loose and umm..inflammation and swelling. hurray.. shit, i wanna dance, i wanna continue doing the things i love T.T” What a good thing i saw Dr Low Wye Mun, though the consulation fee was $80 and the medicine cost $34 =.=

SHOPAHOLIC: i’m addicted to fashion. i need to snap my atm card into two xD no…just start a livejournal account and sell all my old clothes YAYYYYY! Oh and my mum asked me to help sell her furla bags and coach pouches and she’ll split the profits 7:3. Not bad…but whatever, i’ll use the money to replenish my back account, woefully depleted due to the many shopping spress online.



sweetly sick
April 5, 2008, 12:35 am
Filed under: test

Boarded the train home, leaning against the cool glass partition after a hectic day of shopping, a hop to SOT and dinner with ling after our SMU application. Coincidentally, the carriage lights near the doors had blown out and I relaxed in the semi-darkness; safe in my secret spot, as if no-one could see me veiled in shadow. I stared vacantly at the stars winking at me conspiratiorally.

‘Whaaat~ I didn’t do anything…’

‘OH yes yes yes, we’ve got our revenge. Being happy beautiful and basically glowing from the inside is your best bet for getting over HIM.’

‘Er…ok, still, i think i’ve dimmed quite a lot.’

‘Well it’s a start, with  XING to teach you how to love others, LING to help you love yourself and SOPH’s exemplary cool-headedness in facing loved ones.’

‘Hmm…and I shall shine even brighter for my friends when they need me, a guiding light on an overcast day or in the pitch-black night.’

And then this pudgy bespectacled chinese man walked in with a plump fair mail-order bride, whispering sweet nothings and squeezing each other’s fats (on their arms, shoulders and waist, thank goodness no groping). This wave of naseua hit me twice, first the woman laughed so fluffily, and the next moment the guy kissed her marshmallow lips. It’s not (just) disgust that triggered it but, you guessed it, my brief almost non-existent puppy love period with Mr Tickles. Pathetique..

He’s just not into me, and I finally finally accepted it the night I couldn’t stop crying long enough to doze off which prompted me to hug my mum in the next room and getting her all cranky and saying ‘You should have kicked him out of your mind a LONG time ago! Me and Papa love you. Rly heartpain to see a boy who doesn’t love my daughter as much as we want him to. Ok now go to sleep, you won’t think of him again. Tml will be a better day. Zzz..’

It really put things into perspective. Like why should I care so much about an egoistic bull who has obviously charged off (moved on) and picked up some random horny cow? Good for him, better for me. But seriously, I will never be able to rid all my inexplicable affection for him. That’s the inconvenient part to being a girl i guess, and a frequently emo one at that. I’m happy for him, really, cuz they share so many more similarities like being self-confident to the point of arrogance (him) and narcissism (her), playing all cool and detached, being smart without substance, etc.

 Gosh that’s really nasty *grins* 

 Nah…just makin it easier for him to hate me and love another. *grim*

girl…just stop it will ya…forgive and forget. And you have so many great guy friends to compensate for one failed relationship. Never make the mistake of loving for no good reason, then everything pure and simple gets complicated.