Thou greatest enemy is thyself


T3 fashion show
March 24, 2008, 10:36 pm
Filed under: fashion

I stalked into the freezing departure hall of T3 with trepidation, not knowing what to expect at the female NÜYOU catwalk spring/summer 08. To my relief, the guests have only just arrived, bright painted faces mingling amidst an unimaginative monochrome palette. ‘Boring’, I sniffed, failing to note that yours truly was wearing a white halter and black boho skirt.

From my vantage point at the Coffee Club, I had a clear view of the Row 1 check-in counters which were converted into a four-path runway. To capitalise on the airport flight theme, the emcee threw in phrases like ‘ready for boarding’ and ‘may you enjoy a smooth journey’ as illustrious people like Dick Lee sauntered to their seats.  Sponsors were announced to general indifference an only a smattering of applause. The audience perked up at the mention of Valentino R.E.D. To my utmost disappointment, it was not the legendary designer’s swansong collection in signature red, but something more wearable. They were mostly unconnected, but foretold the trends to come in later brands. For example, the gracefully overlapping V-shaped neckline, exaggerated sleeves, jutting angularly or in soft frills, and tiered dresses.

Next up was MOSCHINO cheap n chic, which I initially pooh-poohed but turned out surprisingly refreshing. As the models struck their starting pose, the oversized shirts with illustrations of Audrey Hepburnish figures in red lips and shades screamed out even from afar. This is a current trend of creative directors who fancy themselves as artists.  On closer inspection, the rich materials like silk and brocade on other pieces contrasted with the simple cotton tees, some even had glittery threads woven into them. The bubble skirt got me thinking, ‘Is it true that what is featured in luxury brands trickle down to the masses and become fashion staples or the other way round?’

Then I practically wet myself at the sight of the epitome of feminine beauty, DVF (Diane von Fusternburg) models in sensuous dresses that enhanced the assets. The pretty bow on an air-stewardess shirtdress must have made more than a few men fantasize about undoing it. My favourite, however, were the long flowy ‘summer gowns’ in amorphous blobs or geometric strokes; the bold patterns and busy prints clashed nicely to form a pleasing composition. I glanced wistfully as the dress billowed out beautifully into the backstage, of only I could wear one for my tropical wedding.

The Parisian brand Christina Lacroix was asexual in comparison, the models wore nude make-up, and eye-grabbing scarves twisted into their hair that resembled tribal headgear. For the city known for its architectural wonder the Eiffel Tower, the clothes took a hint from the structural elements. Pleated dresses exuded muted elegance, sharply tailored jackets, with bell sleeves starting at the mid upper arm and tapering to the wrist, atypical collars, with two open flaps that defied gravity. Overall it embodied the modern women and not a romantic damsel in distress, it is, after all, the 21st century!

Last but not least, the finale, set to the saccharine sweet ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ was apt after the overdose of eye candy. I felt that it ended all too soon, my first real taste of international fashion. In addition, I have newfound respect for the professionalism of these ethereal models wafting across the stage; they look good enough to eat!

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Wait
March 22, 2008, 9:06 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

my life isn’t static, I’ve just been sailing along, enjoying the scenery and cherishing the fate i have with the people i meet. The airport job is awesome i shan’t deny that. I’ve been SOOO lazy, didn’t record those unexpected trills when my heart sings with joy at the little things that happen. Now I only have vague happy hazes. Urgh, serves me right. I need to be more dilligent in updating this blog.



OMG….everyone’s lives are changing why is mine so static!!
March 22, 2008, 9:03 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Ivan is doing wall art for friends, jing yi is directing her own short film, chris is studying visual arts in melbourne for 3 years!!! OMG….i don’t wanna waste my talent in art, or dance, or writing, or fashion, or connecting with random ppl!!!!!! But it seems as i juggle all these interests, they drop one by one and i become the clown with painted smiles and tears sliding over the white greasepaint.

I’m quitting the airport job. Hopefully i can do smth like open my own blog shop and personalise things for friends, then if other people like the stuff i do, hopefully it’ll be profitable and satiate my creative impulses. Which reminds me of what Mr Tong said ‘Yeah…you’re probably not a true creative since you insist on a material lifestyle.’ I’m so gonna prove him wrong. I do NOT have to be a  starry-eyed idealistic bohemian who purely cares about art, since money is such a great commodity to reward myself and do more good.

Whatever. As i reclined on the plush leather seats, and sang my heart out in the velvety shadows, I felt so detached from everyone and everything. Why is it that people who are important to me, I just don’t feel that close to them anymore? Am i not meant for deeper relationships? People drift in and out of my life, and i think, it’s inevitable, why hold on to them when they’re moving onto greener pastures?



RAIN WASHES AWAY THE PAIN
March 22, 2008, 8:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I’ve been going back to SBM regularly for sharing now. Although it clashes with lao shi’s choreo at SFA, I still find that short session of calm crucial for getting my bearings and deciding where to go. Today Ven Bodhi talked about managing strong emotion, and my recent emo-ness and flashes of violence came to my mind immediately.

Apparently, there is a method to overcome these. The RAIN method, it was raining outside coincidentally (cheered me up rightaway =D). First you recognize that there is anger, then you acknowledge its existence and refrain from blaming anyone or feeling self righteous. (I should be angry, who wouldn’t?!) By this time, some of the anger would have fizzled out. Next it’d be wise to investigate the real problem behind the outburst to prevent future episodes. Last but not least, is to make a firm effort in non-identification, which is to say ‘The anger is not from me and I can choose to separate myself from this red fire-breathing monster.’

Sounds easy but it’s damn hard to practise. But i’ll try hard, when I sense a storm brewing, I shall control myself from striking out and hurting those around me. Damage control is futile, the damage is done. And so far my big ego is telling me not to admit my mistakes to my mum, as obviously she’s at fault too. Worse, everything’s left hanging; like a noose tightened a notch, it’ll be the death of me some day if not severed.



March 19, 2008, 10:24 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Lao shi got me another lobang at parkview pri, but i was assisting Fen for the first lesson only. Although he looks frail and fey and has that innocuous little-boy smile, i can feel his magnetism from his slightly sonorous voice. Turns out he’s that Mauritian guy who’s rumoured with Xiao Yun, whom I idolized ever since seeing him dance to Arirang. OMG..with that lean muscular half-bared torso and the long sleeve costume, he’s really as powerful as a bow released, the lines were so beautiful and fluid…ahhhhhh… N i unwittingly praised him (‘i think he’s a GREAT dancer!’) before finding out that it was HIM. Jerrine tao-ed me, with that downturned pekingese face, and maggie was exuding warmth and all, just not to me. (*cough* fen) Shucks I should’ve stayed for lunch at the canteen, i stupidly replied, ‘It’s a bit early isn’t it?’ when he asked me if i wanted to join him. But…nvm =) from now on, he IS my goal, to improve my dance so that I’m fit to be his partner, not that i ever can of course but…nvm =)

First step: BUTT REDUCTION! oh yeah and i knocked my head against de li ge’s bionic knee during training, was crying even when the pain subsided cuz i felt as if my eyeballs and brain were floating, and a dull thudding behind my brow, and i was worried that i would lose my natural flair for coordination, which I’ve always taken for granted. Blah blah…worry less, SLEEP MORE, lol…



Individualistic Individual
March 3, 2008, 8:13 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy… plus dramatic and unpredictable
You’re emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective.
                         You know what you’re thinking, and you can communicate it well.

At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.

Your Fixation: Envy
Your Primary Fear: To have no identity
Your Primary Desire: To find yourself

Other Number 4’s: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.



March 3, 2008, 8:09 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Zul is gonna vie for an internship at CHOICES, a lifestyle mag by showcasing his blog. I thought of doing the same, but with all this shyt happening in my life, it’s a wonder they don’t station dog-catchers (read: rabid) outside the building if I go for an interview.

How vey convenient that this outburst comes just 4 days before A level results come out. DIE daughter! I wish I never gave birth to you! BEAST! Haha this is an exerpt of some things that she throws at me. It;s easy to deflect these extreme statements, but it is the insiduous category like ‘ I know you’ll NEVER be so-and-so which is some desirable trait’, ‘You ALWAYS do (insert delinquent behaviour)’. Seiously I hate it that she frames it this way. Doesn’t she know that her negativity will only stoke  rebellion. Except I won’t be all fire and brimstone, play it icy to her, I have never had a cold war. This would be it.



Practical ways to avoid conflict
March 3, 2008, 7:55 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

1. Use the free computer terminal in the transit area.

2. Agree to my mum’s curfew, but don’t tell her my schedule for the day.

3. Earn more money to be independent from my parents in that aspect at least.

 4. Study what I like, and put on a good show that i have reviewed all the GD UNI

5. Always try to think up some progress to report to my father.
    (build HP to withstand the next eruption)

My mum is affected? She’s tossing and turning and reflecting on WHAT has caused my disrespect for her? NAH..she’s just concocting her next step. First doing this subdued and little outburst to show her restraint, then looking all innocent and beatific in front of my father while she comments snarkily to me in the privacy of the office. It sickens me.



I hit my mum
March 3, 2008, 7:49 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I wanted to have some peace and quiet to use the com for an hour. She had to make a big din and throw in the histronics. I was so tired and angry that I hit her arm sharply and she clobbered my head. Catfight ensued, with her yowling, ‘You’ll regret this!!!’

Father stormy face. Everything he sees is so one-sided, it doesn’t help that i’ve argued my case, it just makes it sound even more unconvincing. I will not cry, I will just mutely receive their verbal lashings. What they want is for me to change for the better eh? However, my mum doesn’t seem to FACILITATE it (that’s putting it lightly), and my father EXACERBATES it. Sure I will, it’s for my own good anyway, but I sure won’t confide or be close to my mum again, it just hurts when she suddenly turns menopausal and like becomes the 3rd daughter (meaning vicious against me). My father have long sided me and doted on me, it’s time she had her way. If it makes her happy to see my father frown upon me, so be it.

I know this sounds childish, but really, you’ve got to be here to experience it (not that any sane person would want to). The same words that my father berates me can be applied on my mum too. CURB YOUR HOT TEMPER! LEARN TO CONTROL YOURSELF! KNOW WHAT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO! DON’T LET YOUR IMPULSES RUN WILD! My mum just chooses the most direct route to vent her anger and satisfy her big ego, and loses track of the original ‘well-meaning message’ she had for me. If she wants me to listen, why stubbornly use her volcanic approach? The reason is simple, she’s just ‘can’t change’, ‘it’s the way she is!’ and expects me to just take her stark mad ravings passively like a stone (that’s my sister’s style btw).

I’m not gonna let my mum have some evidence to use against me. If she wants to provoke me again, i’lln just withdraw. It’ll make her life easier. BUT, if she wants to know ‘what I’m up to’ in the day, I’ll withdraw and give non-commital answers as well. Serves her right seriously, she wants to be actively involved in my life?  No thanks, I’llthank you profusely if you leave me alone and observe me from afar. I promise I won’t do hard drugs, gamble or steal, in chinese that would be ‘Kill People Set Fire’.

I’m asahmed of myself, can’t believe I let myself and my mother get the better of me. I have to learn from Sophie, she’s had to endure much worse. whatever it is, remember, they will be dead in a couple of decades. Don’t do anything rash and let them die peacefully. And if I inherited the aggressiveness from my unassuming father and psycho gene from my mum, I’d rather not marry and spare my kids the agony.



jjjzz
March 2, 2008, 11:49 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

jiayi jillian julizan zul zai. Had fun! But friendship is fickle…even if u care, u might be deemed too eager beaver blah blah…ohwell…had fun camwhoring n showing my photos at t3 airside, i swear it’s the fastest first shift i’ve ever done!!! Found out that zai has a band T.H.E.O.R.B. (The human eye only recognizes beauty) which performed regularly at DXO before his O levels, can’t wait to see him execute the guitar rifts at the next gig. Thanks to him, I bluetoothed countless nice songs xD Haha other contributors include shah, bezner and kent; they really exposed me to rock r&b and metal greats.

You know what? Even if I’m in tune with sexual innuendo doesn’t mean that i welcome that. Sometimes it just crosses the line as guys have the misconception that I’m totally comfortable with it and end up repelling me. I think the main problem is that I treat myself as a guy, whereas they ultimately see a girl, which is what i am. Duh. I guess I need to be less matter-of-fact in expressing my uncannily accurate interpretations.

 Went to the suntec career fair, didn’t help…much. Ok i need to do the 3 circles thing: What I’m good at, What I’m interested in, What others think I’m good at, and find the intersection of the Venn diagram.

 I’m having gastric now…out of stress. Ate so much but still…