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Never will i lose my shine to someone again. Self-confidence is a difficult thing to build. Even my foundations are shaky, I doubt if I’m really a good person at all. Well I guess I know but I lapse into my Mr Hyde persona ever so often. First thing I need to suss out is my character. It’s horrible of me to value friends and mentors more than family, mum especially. Next is my sister, I need to stay connected to her or risk losing the sister I know, she’s growing up FAST, and blooming into something more beautiful than me. Then my father. Oh he had high hopes for me *starts tearing at this point* I need to reach my full potential. And be a mature, filial elder daughter, because I can see that he’s growing old before my eyes…
Happiness is a DALIY EFFORT. think positive and always visualize the successful and strong person I want to be in the near future. Every little improvement shall be a triumph and i shall be patient because a lot of precious time has been wiled away..
Self-worth is not just measured by academic achievements. However, this A levels shall be a big regret…I wonder if I should do a third year…or move on to my true interest? Journalism, arts, art, singapore politics, graphic design, fashion…throwing these possibilities around… I want to be active in SBM and SFA, not only for personal enjoyment and fulfilment, but also to propogate the Dhamma and promote worthy causes like Chinese dance and wushu.
As for Mr Tickles, I wonder…I truly hope that he will accept me and love me for who I am. I recently saw a side of him that plunged me heart into an ice bucket. My love for him is dormant, but still able to revive. He…is a typical Aries. Stubborn, always arguing with me. Driven….excelling in what he sets his mind on. Arrogant…supremely confident, never in the wrong though he tactfully implies the opposite, not tolerating any weakness.
My worst fear is that he finds me ‘not up to standard’, he was already expecting me to reject him when he ‘proposed’, but now it’s as if he has cold feet about this girl who turned out to be a neurotic wreck, and is set on upgrading himself so that he’ll be even more eligible for his ideal girl. This is just preumptuous me projecting a doomsday scenario. Of course I can do much to avert it and swing it to my advantage. My nature is to cling, the slightest pressure warrants immediate release on my various shrinks. I think it’s time I faced them on my own and be less affecetd by adversity. Also, I need to feel good about my appearance, can’t help it, I’m a visual person, if I don’t like what’s in the mirror, I’ll get grumpy. Then I need to be more outgoing and outspoken. This I can learn from the abundant crappers in SOT. I need to give credit to myself for my good points and capitalise on them to help others. Be less selfish and love more instead of always receiving. Phrase my words properly so as not to cause misunderstandings and to strengthen ties.. Last but not least, I need to sleep more, and meditate moer..
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Thou greatest enemy is thyself 