Thou greatest enemy is thyself

bittersweet 16th. ropes course. steamboat sebastian.

This is the first time I’ve felt a sense of belonging to DE and that I’ve actually created something with the people there. I’ve also realized how awesome it is to enjoy and improve at the same time. Yesterday I felt quite down but today it was a high again! It as a build-up actually. First, Marcus (who has endless legs and gorgeous fluidity!) said that class was for us to go all out and try. The teacher is mostly rooting for us to get it. Cast away the fear…self-consciousness…and just learn as much as we can! FEEL THE DANCE!!!  And I immediately thought of how I didn’t catch Zaini’’s choreo the day before. I was set to such a beautiful Chinese oldie and the movements were  just so apt and emotive, I felt sad that I couldn’t dance to its full glory. The tipping point came when Zaini gave us a lesson on make-up and demonstrated a really wayang look on me. I felt more confident somehow, and wanted to channel all the emo elegant lady I could! It also helped a lot that he went through every step and I really paid attention and polished it. Lynette’s feedback also helped a lot, I realised I need to be sharper in my movements and follow the counts, only then can I add dynamics and feeling.

I also felt really happy when I helped some of the juniors in the dance and guided them slowly. It feels great when I see them finally get it and dance so much nicer! It’s amazing how talented some of them are, like Shanez, no dance background but could pick up so fast. Melissa was really sweet too, she gripped my arm and went ‘You are so nice and patient, thank you!’ That made my day =) And also chatting intermittently with Shuli about our Chung Cheng days and Jeanette being so nice to lend me her laptop (hence my ability to blog now!) Musa lending me his cashcard to get 100plus from the vending machine, Sangit delivering food supplies to my room and lending me his small pillow to hug. Amanda and another senior for their interesting lunchtime conversation.VK lending me her make-up and calling me an ‘angel’ cuz my moves were too soft (lol). Mindy sms-ing even when she’s having her O school recital. It’s recognising such random happy moments that make the camp worthwhile.

I’m aching all over now, but say bye to my fats and hello to toned muscular legs and hourglass figure WOOTS! I need a good massage after camp ends. Maybe on the 16th..

Visit friendster to reminisce over New York pics, (oh man must upload them into FB one day!) and clicked the horoscope like I used to do many years ago. It’s still damn accurate.

The Bottom Line

Every statement isn’t fraught with meaning. So stop poring over every word.
(Mental masturbation at its finest, I’m a master at it so…CUT IT OUT!)

In Detail

If you can’t do it yourself, maybe you shouldn’t attempt to do it at all. Support may be forthcoming, but it’s on someone else’s schedule. In the hours that it takes to wait and explain, you could probably handle matters on your own. Organization is the key to your success. Making sure everything is in its place before you start will save endless time in the long run. Proving this to yourself now is money in the bank for next time.

(I can’t pretend that I can just be a friend, so stop bothering miscellaneous people for advice. Things are just fine and I can take care of myself now thankyouverymuch. And yeah how I handle the exams NOW…will go a loooong way. *Series of small decisions starts now*)

Do I really want Lester in my life? On one hand, I see that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore and has given up on me at that point, and that many people out there still see my worth and respond to the love that radiated naturally from me. On the other, I suddenly felt that pang of regret, why wait till now, when I’m so comfortable around with his friends (teasing Victor and Steve) and so unbound by fear of rejection and reaching out to the network of friends, that I can’t be with him? Everything happens for a reason and i’m very thankful that this break-up was the catalyst for taking stock of my life and standing up again. I have more or less accepted the fact that he’s moved on and there are new guys in my life (just FRIENDS ok! I can only give them that =p), but there’s still this attachment and I’m telling myself I don’t want him in my life anymore, though from time to time I’ll wonder what’s going on in his life and how’s he doing…I wish he’d be open to me, does he feel a sense of responsibility to give me a hand for forensics, does he have the hots for Lesley, is he on track for his academic goals? I’m genuinely interested and believe I would be truly happy for him. The only fact that he would be closed up to me is what hurts the most, and I have been avoiding it by not calling and getting updates. So………………..call now? YES

Burnt out designing the LP87 shirt. After our first weekend, I immediately buckled down to brainstorm. To no avail. It took me till 5am and after many long aimless conversations with Bill and a few other night owls to suddenly get the Eureka moment! Considered the star-wings-halo combo but it just looked too kiddy, then I went with Fadz’ suggestion of stripes on the sleeove like on Audrey’s shirt. Then a brainwave took over. I extended the design into the knots of the wings and placed the star beside it. It looked damn tribal and tough and represented the Eaglets! That halo was a feminine nurturing touch, us being the Angelwings who were soaring watchfully above. The star of course represented the All-stars who shone so brightly and are ubiquitous in LP87 =)

It was nice talking to Bill. I aspire to his lifestyle, or rather I’ve already reached it. He’s achieved so much in his career since his LP donkey years ago. He’s living comfortably in his bachelor pad in Bangkok and shuttles back and forth regularly to Singapore. He’s retiring by 45 I think from the returns of his work in private equity. It’s cool bringing together prospective investors and start-ups together and watching things burgeon. Not all do, but the rewards are handsome. Haha he’s still as charming as ever, he likes Jessica Alba – i do too! Most importantly, he’s just cruising along and looking out for Ms Right, and that’s what I intend to do, to be utterly comfortable in my own skin and lead a fulfilling and meaningful lifestyle.

Anyway…this project again showed me my key flaws in teamwork. I again see the urgent need to be open for support when I need it, not be so perfectionist and as a result keeping people waiting or excluding people from the process. The fruits of our labour are more enjoyable when shared! Personal vision should not compromise the team’s alignment and at the very least I could LET THEM KNOW! Inform them of where’s my progress and when I need to rest.

Anyway had a great time with Kym at Orchard that day, had lunch at Paragon Soup Spoon and then went to Ion to find her dive friend James, who’s also a store manager of this upmarket brand called Pois and a t-shirt printer. Haha he helped me polish the lines using his software and here’s the result!

my future tattooyellow drifit polo

OK time to start mugging. Finally. Oh by the way that ADM essay I did after the wake of the break-up…i got 78.5/100 for it! Not bad considering it took only 3 solid days of researching and writing, the 1 day of reeling from the aftermath didn’t affect my grades at all! And now, I have a friend who admires my writing and who can mug adm240 with me as well. If only Henry wasn’t so busy with his animation stuff. ARGHHHH panic!!!

Went to mug with the aero ppl at old can a the other day, but lyanna had a splitting headache so we headed back home to stare at our malay book. I studied till 3am, compiling the function words, conjunctions and verbs and whatnots! The next day, the test seemed like nothing, though i think I geh kiang went to write 173 words for a 80-word compo and added extra info for graphic stimulus. But overall, it was ok =) Oral next week! And lyanna said she wanted to take HMM2 too! Wow…at least i’ll have a classmate yay~ xD

It’s funny how my considerations vanish, and talking to Lyanna and saying hi to Peijun a few tables down suddenly seem natural. They are some lovable lovely people. Plus it was such a coincidence to bump into two long-lost friends. One was my O level music piano-prodigy-classmate, he was sleeping in an unglam way right opposite me on the mrt and after he woke up, this guy beside him was so nice as to move one seat down and I sat beside Yao Zong to talk. The other one was VICTOR!! Hahaha the joker from Lester’s IA…he seemed tired and drained from his FYP (I understand his pain: home -> NUS -> NTU -> home), but still chatty and cheerful. He said he couldn’t recognise me; hmm…other than my hair which is longer and how i look taller with wedges (cuz it was raining that day and I didn’t wanna get my feet wet), i’m still pretty much the same!

Had lunch with Kunal, and I realised how narrow my world was compared to his. He’s practically travelled the whole region and would be going to phuket next week. Wah lao eh, I’m only going there end-dec lor, 被他抢先一步！When I offered the reason that Canadian currency is good, he countered that Singapore’s dollar was not bad too. That’s true. ARGH…..no more considerations! Hehe…now, should I tour canada n nyc  soon with my tour guide?

Well. What else. Oh yeah…Princess Mononoke rawks!!!!! Anime with a social message, my cup of tea! I want a white wolf >D then I can terrorise guys. Haha the scene where the wolf wanted to bite Prince Ashitaka’s head off was hilarious!

Marilyn Monroe, sexy bitch!

Wrapped up a day of filming today. and the high point was at Nanyang Heights studio, when Siva went…”You have that ‘I’m a dancer’ look!” Hahaha…I miss dance, I miss SFA, I miss jazz with Veron. Should i learn latin/international dance? We had a stupid moment back there that really piqued my interest xD I admire how Wei Lie can be so adept in handling his team, choreographing every shot, and making people like him even while being unlikeable. Hehe…i know who to consult for 206 already. Eunice is so steady pom pi pi, really like how she keeps her cool and suddenly breaks the ice with her offbeat humour. Siva is just sweet and on top of her job as production manager while Gunal….Gunal the alien/soundman/nanny/cool hair guy celebrating his 21st birthday. HAHA.

Yesterday I spend the morning at Asiaworks handing in my DOE, then met Min at SMU, she said I learnt a lot, the problem is internalizing them lol..she is a rare breed, will support her all the way! =) Then I spent the afternoon with Xing, exercising at Chung Cheng and slacking at her house, love her lots!!! She and all her talk about his small **** xD aww, she is a rare breed too, I am committed to helping her find her passion and drive back, whether in studies or dance! Then I went to Aston’s and had dinner, the fish wasn’t fresh and the manager was so nice to change without question and even dumped the whole batch of fish cuz he trusted me =) by the time i finished it was pouring outside and he sort of came out and invited me back into the restaurant to use the wireless. I welcomed the blazing warmth like a moth to light. Ordered a pot of tea and he kept bustling over to make sure I was comfortable. Hehe…and the waiters kept peeking from the corner ^^ At last it was time for farewell and he said the tea was on him (‘come back next time!’ ‘Sure…i’ll bring a friend along!’) and Wendy came to pick me up on the cab. She’s flying off to Mongolia to visit her bf and I spent some quality time with her eating Popeye’s and her showing me her plush rabbit and stuff like that =) I want her to know that she’s someone very special too!!! Haha when she’s back we’ll be watching Victor/Victoria

What a streeeetch! After Malay class, I went to meet Lester for lunch. Cheeky monkey, asked me if it was about Asiaworks and agreed to go eat lunch at Can A. Lyanna passed me my laptop and was so surprised. We’re gonna mug together for Malay to prepare for CA next wednesday. ARGH.

I was very nervous at first but when I turned and saw him sitting there, I was genuinely happy. He looked more tanned and healthy, only a hint of dark eye rings. Settled down and he bought mac’s for us, insisted on treating and got two (free) cups of water for me. He commented that I looked tired and thin, and my eyebags (EYEBAGS?!) were showing. No surprise seeing my lack of sleep and energy I poured out during Advanced, plus I was having my period those 5 days. I’m exhausted but happy, and I know the happiness will well up naturally in me again when I connect with friends and give in any way I can. We could talk about mundane things again, he was very forthcoming and updated me with his life. Laughed a bit about the underwear and blogshop packages at his house. He gave me vincent’s new number and address. Stuff like that.

I only felt the happiness at the end of the day, because I created his new possibility, and it’s up to me to make it happen and continue – to have an open and trusting friendship with Lester again. He will meet new people, and so will I. I think the break-up really allowed me to open my eyes to the vast networks around me and to plug back in. I mean seriously! Just in CS today I talked to more than 10 people who went ‘EH never see you for such a long time!’ or just peple I’ve never talked to but struck up a conversation with. (Note to self: Wei Lie owes me BIG TIME. I hate him. Helped him find fen, a dance studio at Nanyang House and agreed to act in his short film and he just couldn’t spare 2 hours on Thursday evening to attend my guest event. SIAN. Oh wait, he offered to fetch me to the station. Maybe he isn’t that evil and narcissistic after all.)

The high point of my day was to watch Paloma Herrera and other principal dancers from top dance companies. My father treated me to a $123 seat in front, in the second half, 5 people in the row right in front of me disappeared and I had an even greater view! Suffice to say, I was blown away by their performance. Herrera herself appeared first in pristine white, and her movements were clean, sleek and precise, setting the standard for the night. Then a couple danced an excerpt from Giselle. The girl had solid technique and gravitas, but it was too heavy for my taste, the guy is not worth mentioning about. Next a Japanese couple came out, it’s so easy to tell, the uber fair girl and guy’s long wavy Gatsby hair. They had more flair but no musicality, the girl when half a beat earlier because of the fast pace and the guy seemed sloppy. The third couple performed my favourite item. Slow, langourous and sensuous, there were clad in soft drapey nude garments and showed the intimacy and natural moulding of the body. The lifts were SO creative and the transitions were seamless. And it was all  made possible by the girl’s strength, she was definitely on par with the guy and even provided momentum for him. Short dark and muscly, she really had that mo qi with her partner.

Next were the Swiss mountain peasants, so innocent and utterly lovable! The girl’s daintiness and coy ways were so endearing! And of course, hamsum boy ^^ so powerful and not even in his prime. His leg muscles were very developed but not his abs, could see him wobble everytime he landed. I must train my core muscles too. Just look at Herrera, she used it to draw herself up enpointe and hold it there for 5 seconds!

Next was the black tango. the guy was very theatrical, paloma was a little plainer. There was not enough spice, she probably don’t have depth of experience and emotion. But spinning around in heels is no mean feat!

In the 2nd half, the Japanese minx had this smug ‘Look how clever I am’ look. She was just showing off her skill and not giving her all and seducing the men to death. The guy’s lankiness and freedom of movement matched the girls neurotic jerky movements. (to be continued)