Thou greatest enemy is thyself

Do I really want Lester in my life? On one hand, I see that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore and has given up on me at that point, and that many people out there still see my worth and respond to the love that radiated naturally from me. On the other, I suddenly felt that pang of regret, why wait till now, when I’m so comfortable around with his friends (teasing Victor and Steve) and so unbound by fear of rejection and reaching out to the network of friends, that I can’t be with him? Everything happens for a reason and i’m very thankful that this break-up was the catalyst for taking stock of my life and standing up again. I have more or less accepted the fact that he’s moved on and there are new guys in my life (just FRIENDS ok! I can only give them that =p), but there’s still this attachment and I’m telling myself I don’t want him in my life anymore, though from time to time I’ll wonder what’s going on in his life and how’s he doing…I wish he’d be open to me, does he feel a sense of responsibility to give me a hand for forensics, does he have the hots for Lesley, is he on track for his academic goals? I’m genuinely interested and believe I would be truly happy for him. The only fact that he would be closed up to me is what hurts the most, and I have been avoiding it by not calling and getting updates. So………………..call now? YES

Burnt out designing the LP87 shirt. After our first weekend, I immediately buckled down to brainstorm. To no avail. It took me till 5am and after many long aimless conversations with Bill and a few other night owls to suddenly get the Eureka moment! Considered the star-wings-halo combo but it just looked too kiddy, then I went with Fadz’ suggestion of stripes on the sleeove like on Audrey’s shirt. Then a brainwave took over. I extended the design into the knots of the wings and placed the star beside it. It looked damn tribal and tough and represented the Eaglets! That halo was a feminine nurturing touch, us being the Angelwings who were soaring watchfully above. The star of course represented the All-stars who shone so brightly and are ubiquitous in LP87 =)

It was nice talking to Bill. I aspire to his lifestyle, or rather I’ve already reached it. He’s achieved so much in his career since his LP donkey years ago. He’s living comfortably in his bachelor pad in Bangkok and shuttles back and forth regularly to Singapore. He’s retiring by 45 I think from the returns of his work in private equity. It’s cool bringing together prospective investors and start-ups together and watching things burgeon. Not all do, but the rewards are handsome. Haha he’s still as charming as ever, he likes Jessica Alba – i do too! Most importantly, he’s just cruising along and looking out for Ms Right, and that’s what I intend to do, to be utterly comfortable in my own skin and lead a fulfilling and meaningful lifestyle.

Anyway…this project again showed me my key flaws in teamwork. I again see the urgent need to be open for support when I need it, not be so perfectionist and as a result keeping people waiting or excluding people from the process. The fruits of our labour are more enjoyable when shared! Personal vision should not compromise the team’s alignment and at the very least I could LET THEM KNOW! Inform them of where’s my progress and when I need to rest.

Anyway had a great time with Kym at Orchard that day, had lunch at Paragon Soup Spoon and then went to Ion to find her dive friend James, who’s also a store manager of this upmarket brand called Pois and a t-shirt printer. Haha he helped me polish the lines using his software and here’s the result!

my future tattooyellow drifit polo

OK time to start mugging. Finally. Oh by the way that ADM essay I did after the wake of the break-up…i got 78.5/100 for it! Not bad considering it took only 3 solid days of researching and writing, the 1 day of reeling from the aftermath didn’t affect my grades at all! And now, I have a friend who admires my writing and who can mug adm240 with me as well. If only Henry wasn’t so busy with his animation stuff. ARGHHHH panic!!!

Went to mug with the aero ppl at old can a the other day, but lyanna had a splitting headache so we headed back home to stare at our malay book. I studied till 3am, compiling the function words, conjunctions and verbs and whatnots! The next day, the test seemed like nothing, though i think I geh kiang went to write 173 words for a 80-word compo and added extra info for graphic stimulus. But overall, it was ok =) Oral next week! And lyanna said she wanted to take HMM2 too! Wow…at least i’ll have a classmate yay~ xD

It’s funny how my considerations vanish, and talking to Lyanna and saying hi to Peijun a few tables down suddenly seem natural. They are some lovable lovely people. Plus it was such a coincidence to bump into two long-lost friends. One was my O level music piano-prodigy-classmate, he was sleeping in an unglam way right opposite me on the mrt and after he woke up, this guy beside him was so nice as to move one seat down and I sat beside Yao Zong to talk. The other one was VICTOR!! Hahaha the joker from Lester’s IA…he seemed tired and drained from his FYP (I understand his pain: home -> NUS -> NTU -> home), but still chatty and cheerful. He said he couldn’t recognise me; hmm…other than my hair which is longer and how i look taller with wedges (cuz it was raining that day and I didn’t wanna get my feet wet), i’m still pretty much the same!

Had lunch with Kunal, and I realised how narrow my world was compared to his. He’s practically travelled the whole region and would be going to phuket next week. Wah lao eh, I’m only going there end-dec lor, 被他抢先一步！When I offered the reason that Canadian currency is good, he countered that Singapore’s dollar was not bad too. That’s true. ARGH…..no more considerations! Hehe…now, should I tour canada n nyc  soon with my tour guide?

Well. What else. Oh yeah…Princess Mononoke rawks!!!!! Anime with a social message, my cup of tea! I want a white wolf >D then I can terrorise guys. Haha the scene where the wolf wanted to bite Prince Ashitaka’s head off was hilarious!

Marilyn Monroe, sexy bitch!

Wrapped up a day of filming today. and the high point was at Nanyang Heights studio, when Siva went…”You have that ‘I’m a dancer’ look!” Hahaha…I miss dance, I miss SFA, I miss jazz with Veron. Should i learn latin/international dance? We had a stupid moment back there that really piqued my interest xD I admire how Wei Lie can be so adept in handling his team, choreographing every shot, and making people like him even while being unlikeable. Hehe…i know who to consult for 206 already. Eunice is so steady pom pi pi, really like how she keeps her cool and suddenly breaks the ice with her offbeat humour. Siva is just sweet and on top of her job as production manager while Gunal….Gunal the alien/soundman/nanny/cool hair guy celebrating his 21st birthday. HAHA.

Yesterday I spend the morning at Asiaworks handing in my DOE, then met Min at SMU, she said I learnt a lot, the problem is internalizing them lol..she is a rare breed, will support her all the way! =) Then I spent the afternoon with Xing, exercising at Chung Cheng and slacking at her house, love her lots!!! She and all her talk about his small **** xD aww, she is a rare breed too, I am committed to helping her find her passion and drive back, whether in studies or dance! Then I went to Aston’s and had dinner, the fish wasn’t fresh and the manager was so nice to change without question and even dumped the whole batch of fish cuz he trusted me =) by the time i finished it was pouring outside and he sort of came out and invited me back into the restaurant to use the wireless. I welcomed the blazing warmth like a moth to light. Ordered a pot of tea and he kept bustling over to make sure I was comfortable. Hehe…and the waiters kept peeking from the corner ^^ At last it was time for farewell and he said the tea was on him (‘come back next time!’ ‘Sure…i’ll bring a friend along!’) and Wendy came to pick me up on the cab. She’s flying off to Mongolia to visit her bf and I spent some quality time with her eating Popeye’s and her showing me her plush rabbit and stuff like that =) I want her to know that she’s someone very special too!!! Haha when she’s back we’ll be watching Victor/Victoria

What a streeeetch! After Malay class, I went to meet Lester for lunch. Cheeky monkey, asked me if it was about Asiaworks and agreed to go eat lunch at Can A. Lyanna passed me my laptop and was so surprised. We’re gonna mug together for Malay to prepare for CA next wednesday. ARGH.

I was very nervous at first but when I turned and saw him sitting there, I was genuinely happy. He looked more tanned and healthy, only a hint of dark eye rings. Settled down and he bought mac’s for us, insisted on treating and got two (free) cups of water for me. He commented that I looked tired and thin, and my eyebags (EYEBAGS?!) were showing. No surprise seeing my lack of sleep and energy I poured out during Advanced, plus I was having my period those 5 days. I’m exhausted but happy, and I know the happiness will well up naturally in me again when I connect with friends and give in any way I can. We could talk about mundane things again, he was very forthcoming and updated me with his life. Laughed a bit about the underwear and blogshop packages at his house. He gave me vincent’s new number and address. Stuff like that.

I only felt the happiness at the end of the day, because I created his new possibility, and it’s up to me to make it happen and continue – to have an open and trusting friendship with Lester again. He will meet new people, and so will I. I think the break-up really allowed me to open my eyes to the vast networks around me and to plug back in. I mean seriously! Just in CS today I talked to more than 10 people who went ‘EH never see you for such a long time!’ or just peple I’ve never talked to but struck up a conversation with. (Note to self: Wei Lie owes me BIG TIME. I hate him. Helped him find fen, a dance studio at Nanyang House and agreed to act in his short film and he just couldn’t spare 2 hours on Thursday evening to attend my guest event. SIAN. Oh wait, he offered to fetch me to the station. Maybe he isn’t that evil and narcissistic after all.)

The high point of my day was to watch Paloma Herrera and other principal dancers from top dance companies. My father treated me to a $123 seat in front, in the second half, 5 people in the row right in front of me disappeared and I had an even greater view! Suffice to say, I was blown away by their performance. Herrera herself appeared first in pristine white, and her movements were clean, sleek and precise, setting the standard for the night. Then a couple danced an excerpt from Giselle. The girl had solid technique and gravitas, but it was too heavy for my taste, the guy is not worth mentioning about. Next a Japanese couple came out, it’s so easy to tell, the uber fair girl and guy’s long wavy Gatsby hair. They had more flair but no musicality, the girl when half a beat earlier because of the fast pace and the guy seemed sloppy. The third couple performed my favourite item. Slow, langourous and sensuous, there were clad in soft drapey nude garments and showed the intimacy and natural moulding of the body. The lifts were SO creative and the transitions were seamless. And it was all  made possible by the girl’s strength, she was definitely on par with the guy and even provided momentum for him. Short dark and muscly, she really had that mo qi with her partner.

Next were the Swiss mountain peasants, so innocent and utterly lovable! The girl’s daintiness and coy ways were so endearing! And of course, hamsum boy ^^ so powerful and not even in his prime. His leg muscles were very developed but not his abs, could see him wobble everytime he landed. I must train my core muscles too. Just look at Herrera, she used it to draw herself up enpointe and hold it there for 5 seconds!

Next was the black tango. the guy was very theatrical, paloma was a little plainer. There was not enough spice, she probably don’t have depth of experience and emotion. But spinning around in heels is no mean feat!

In the 2nd half, the Japanese minx had this smug ‘Look how clever I am’ look. She was just showing off her skill and not giving her all and seducing the men to death. The guy’s lankiness and freedom of movement matched the girls neurotic jerky movements. (to be continued)

To tell you the truth, I’ve been emo-ing on and off the whole day, taking a lot of toilet breaks. But i managed to write a lot of my essay from the highlighted reviews and journals, Youtube interviews and the streaming link yuntian sent me. Now to write the last part, conlict and faith in context =) clean up and off to bed i go!

Staying up till 3am was so not cool, it was emotionally and mentally draining. I even woke up at 6 with a nightmare so bad my body was protesting. I MUST learn to STOP bleeding love when he takes pleasure in rejecting and rub salt into my wound instead. I’m so going to call yinren to complain and hear him give his worldly wisdom that ‘guys are bastards’. hahaha…it’s very refreshing. And hearing jem’s voice, so zen in vietnam, is really a gem. He’s really been through a lot and gave me valuable advice that hits the spot everytime (yes, yes…YES! that’s exactly how i feel!) i really need to suck in the emoness and get on with life, cuz it will pass, if I keep indulging it, it’ll just mutate into a giant marimo and suffocate me.

Honestly, I have been making great progress, emanating positive vibes and attracting guys on fb, sms and in person. I am really flattered and appreciate their friendship but I do NOT flaunt these attentions unlike some inconsiderate heartless person who wants to keep his options open. Sigh…your loss. I’m just going to focus on loving myself, loving you is just not worth it. The most I can muster is hope you grow up soon. Cuz i certainly got a lot of shit and it’s my fertilizer to grow strong and emotionally healthy! (quote courtesy of cass)

Time to be like Summer =) and I’ll be looking for Mr. Autumn. I can put this behind me and look forward. When my mum (who was utterly duped by how ‘nice’ Lester was) says that, I will follow her order! She doesn’t want me to get hurt again =’( i’ve been making her worried. cannot.

P.S. me loves liu xing and cass, both are so no-nonsense and be-gone!! *a guy who doesnt make you feel like you’re worth it, probably isnt worth that much to you.*

4 noble truths, be compassionate.

Anyone reading this blog, please go try the Seremban beef noodles at Marine Parade hawker centre, it’s the second shop from the corner nearest to McDonald’s! The lady who takes the orders is damn cartoon!!! First she starts dancing with her handphone stuck in her hair (yes..you gotta see it to believe it), then she snatches the 50 dollar note from Louis’ hand while he was taking utensils, then she stalks and laughs hysterically at a man with a pineapple for a head. Haha sure cheered me up and chased away the emoness through sheer ridiculousness!

Now I’m typing the essay plan for Waltz with Bashir (at last!) in Liu Xing’s room, where there is a constant cool breeze and gentle sunlight filtering in through her lace curtains =) and later…500 Days of Summer with Supei!!! Haha and at last, I didn’t succumb to my weakness and closed the window after typing the webbie halfway. GOOD =)

I tend to emo (and worsen it by looking at Lester’s profile and his photos with her) when I have work to do. Ain’t that weird? No…it can’t be just a coincidence. True, the break-up has been traumatic, but that doesn’t discount the fact that I have the power and choice to pull myself together and GET THINGS DONE.

Such a huge lapse, I tend to be paralysed when the deadline looms. Because of advance course next wednesday to sunday, I will need to complete the NIE essay with annotated pictures and diagrams and the 3000-word analysis of Waltz with Bashir by the 20th, which means I will only have tonight, Sunday morning and afternoon and evening, and Monday to do them!

Then again, I get this small triumphs in finishing my Cinema Studies Reading Log in about 20 minutes at the MRT station on my trusty Macbook before I trooped home, weary but with a sense of achievement. No…I musn’t waste my efforts!

If I can finish reading and highlighting all the resources I have and write down the main points I will be content with that. And reward myself with a nice dinner with my mum and sis =)

GANBATTE! And after reading active blogs like Ivan’s Ivy’s and Xinyi’s I realise that their regular practice have translated into an effortless coherence and eloquence. I don’t care. This is my self-medication and place to be honest with myself. I do not talk to myself and encourage myself with superb English. Right now, I will be selfish and let my blogposts revolve around my inner thoughts and emotions. But later I’m sure I will be more interested in my surroundings and wax lyrical about them lol =p

i just wanted you to be honest to me, so that I knew if you truly loved me enough to oblige to my demands, rather than do it grudgingly. Then stand up to me if you love me, because that’s what happens when you truly want to last long. Let me know how you feel so that I may be aware and do something about it rather than keep things to yourself and seek happier times with her/them (and that’s being the most objective I can) and spring this nasty surprise on me.

I will open my eyes wider now. Emo…but I know i will not repeat the same mistake and be happier in my next relationship (with him or someone else? I will never know until either one appears.)

Hong Kong serials really teach a lot. I know now that he loves himself more than I do and therefore withdrew from our troubled relationship for his own happiness and peace of mind to prepare for exams. I should do the same: to love myself and make sure my actions benefit my future. I want to love him, but am I that magnanimous to forgive him and forgive myself and give ourselves another chance? For him to love me again wholeheartedly is too much to hope for. It’s just such a pain to wait in suspense , maybe I should just not wait and have fun with the friends who have resurfaced. If he comes back it’ll be the nicest surprise of my life. =)

Again…I need to remind myself not to be like That Girl. Haha just had a lazy Saturday lunch! 3.30pm is kind of late, but the family time we have together is priceless =)

*dappled lights, someone waiting just out of sight*
(so mi so, ti do so mi ti….ti la ti) 

Photo Credit: Kwan Yann Howe

Thank you, this shot reminded me of the good times when I was happy helping Lester and being there for him when he puked. x)